Monday, December 28, 2009

Relationshit Advice

If you're looking for a short term relationship: Date an actor.
He will pretend to make you feel like you are the most important thing in the world and even tell you he loves you.
He will be romantic at all the right times (after-all- When Harry Met Sally is what got him wanting to be a thespian), buy you flowers, take you on semi-fancy dates, if he can afford it, maybe even splurge on a dinner somewhere trendy in Hollywood after he books a commercial. But eventually he will get caught up in the celeb life, start schmoozing at Chateau Marmont, and leave you behind after snagging a couple guest roles on CSI.
You just tell yourself, "it was fun while it lasted" and at least you got to meet Leighton Meester at a charity event he got you into.

If you're looking for a long term relationship: Date a guy with no job, with no direction in life, who sleeps on his moms couch.
He wont love you, nor will he pretend to.
He will stick around as long as you are willing to put up with him.
He may not even want to call you his girlfriend, but that's okay, just because he wont call you his girlfriend, doesn't mean you cant call him your boyfriend.
You will be proud of him, just because he exists and you don't want to be alone.
At least he makes you laugh, and you can always count on him for sex at least 3 times a day since he has nothing better to do.
Still, long term does not mean forever and four years down the road you will realize how much of your time you've wasted with this guy.
You'll finally acknowledge the fact that he will never commit, or say he loves you, and he'll never ask you to marry him. C'est la vie, it breaks your heart, but that's life.

If your looking for a relationship that makes you want to kill yourself: Just date this guy.

If your boyfriend is cheating on you: Drug his friend with roofies, drag said friend into the nearest room with a bed, set up a video camera, and tape the two of you having sex.
When Monday Night Football rolls around, tell your BF you have a surprise for him at halftime, then stick the sex-tape in the VCR (DVD, blu-ray, whatever works), and watch him squirm.
After he has sat through the entire thing, all 3 1/2 hours of it, slap him in the face, grab your pre-packed bags, walk out the door and never see him again.
That will teach him not to mess with you.

If your boyfriend has a history of aggression and he cheats on you: Don't do that last thing I just advised.
Instead, confront him calmly and tell him "It's okay that you cheated.
As long as you don't do it again, Baby."
When he starts to come towards you for a hug, have the knife ready and stab him in the balls.
You'll really blind-side him with that one, he wont be expecting it since you just made him think he was off the hook.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

X-mas in Mendoza

I was so drunk on Christmas Eve that I think I died and threw-up my entire soul into my bathroom sink. I pretty much killed a litre of Andes (beer) and two hole bottles of Chat Noir Extra Brut champagne to myself. I was a pure debaucherous mess. Subsequently, I was forced to spend X-mas in bed, nursing a headache and a bruised body. And of course all the stores were closed on X-mas out here, so it took forever to get water to take my Motrin. I have not been that hungover in a long time. Even after the nap that I took, I hadn't recovered.
It was pretty fun before I was inebriated though. We had a beautiful dinner on a rooftop overlooking the multiple fireworks shooting off in every direction. Fireworks are popular out here, they use them for pretty much every event or holiday, and they are totally legal.
I also got to play movie charades in Espanol for the first time. It was pretty challenging and I could never guess the movie they were acting out, since I don't know them in Spanish, but I was good at shouting out some of the actions which helped the opposing team.
Well, Christmas is over and now its time to move onto the next hangover. The New Years Hangover.

I set the table. I don't know if this is the correct placement of silverware. But it looked right to me.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

No Excuses

I wasn't sleeping this time. Just sheer laziness. I need to get in the habit of blogging more. But when I do, I usually stay up late and that's what was probably making me tired. Give me some time to figure out a system.
Until then...Here is a picture that I am quite fond of...

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Sorry. I was sleeping.

I was trying to post a blog everyday, but I slept most of the day yesterday and forgot. Call me lazy if you want, but I would just call me sleepy.
Well, I actually have written a couple posts already, but they are just rough drafts right now. I want to work on them a bit more before I post them. Also, a couple of them are just ideas and I dont really feel like starting them yet.
It was nice to check my blog today to see that I am finally getting comments. That was enough motivation to get me to write this post.

Mendoza Update:
I'm still not learning Spanish.
I'm homesick.
I plan to start Spanish next week now.
I craigslisted apartments in Santa Monica, Venice, Westwood today.
I liked it here in the beginning, but I miss home now.
I need friends.
I'm craving Baja Buds.
I have become a full-fledged insomniac.

This picture sums everything up.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Save the Moon Bears, Free them from their Cages

DISCLAIMER: This post is not for the faint of heart

A human being killing another human being, fathers abandoning their families, hoodlums robbing homes and convenient stores, women selling their body for money, are just some of the many atrocities all over the world.
And in Korea the Asian Black Bears, more commonly referred to as the Moon Bear, are being tortured and forced into cages in order to produce traditional Chinese medicine alternatives. This alternative medicine just so happens to be bear bile, a digestive juice produced by the liver and stored in the gall bladder. The extraction of the bear bile consists of keeping the bears in cages, leaving them no room to move or grow, so that there is easier access to the abdomen where they are stuck with tubes to take the bile.

Life in these cages causes them to suffer from severe mental stress, stunted growth, hair loss, starvation, muscle mass loss, and most have their teeth and claws removed. Some bears are known to live like this for up to 20 years, and when the criminals who exploit these animals are done with them, they simply kill them to sell their meat and fur for money.

Although, these animals have a reputation for being aggressive and attacking humans without any provocation, this does not sanction the harm and maltreatment of these animals. It may be their nature to attack, just as a Tiger or Lion may, but to force them to produce something by way of torture, by endangering these species, is something that could never be acceptable.

There are many organizations working toward the rescue of the Moon Bears. One woman in particular, Jill Robinson, dedicates her life to this cause, trying to find a way to stop the use of this animal for the production of herbal medicine. Some say that it is not even proven the bile can even cure.

We must put an end to this abuse and stop the people who are doing this.

Please visit these sites to either learn more or donate if you feel compelled.

Acknowledging their lives is the first step towards saving them.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Hangover Hair?

I had a hangover* today. Thus, today I had hangover hair*. Hangover hair is my favorite type of hair style. It is the remnants of what your hair used to look like before a night out of heavy raging. Its a shaggy, chaotic version of your pre-party mane. I love it because its like a tamer version of sex hair. Sex hair is sweaty and frizzy and all over the place. Especially with my curly tresses, hangover hair works in my favor because when I sleep on my pillow at night, it presses on my curls holding them down in place. So, when I wake up in the morning I have perfectly coiffed curls with just a little hint of "I don't give a fuck."
I don't like things perfect. It pisses me off when my girlfriends are fixing their ponytails and asking me, "Is there a bump on the top?" and I'm all like, "Yeah, but who cares?" It satisfies me to see that bunch of hair that couldn't lay down straight on top of your fat head to make "The Perfect Ponytail". The perfect ponytail to me is, imperfection. And the best kind of hair is Hangover Hair.

*A hangover or delayed alcohol-induced headache describes the sum of unpleasant physiological effects following heavy consumption of alcoholic beverages. The most commonly reported characteristics of a hangover include headache, nausea, sensitivity to light and noise, lethargy, dysphoria, diarrhea and thirst. A hangover may also induce psychological symptoms including heightened feelings of depression and anxiety.

*Hair is a form of protein filament that grows through the epidermis from follicles deep within the dermis.

Friday, December 11, 2009

How To Be Cool: Volume I

1. Start a band- name it something crazy like "Munchausen by Proxy"

2. Wear combat boots

3. Smoke these cigarettes

4. Wear sideways ponytails

5. Listen to Yma Sumac (Pronounced, Ima, for the non- Peruvians)

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Spread the news

I need readers. If I have readers, then I will become the most famous blog in the whole world, the female Perez Hilton and I'll have to wear bright pink suits with neon sunglasses, die my hair different colors and then I'll get to travel to every award show around the world. Yes, that would be the life because award shows are awesome. So, if you're reading this, tell your friend, and then he will tell his friend, who will tell her Mom, who will in turn tell her sister, then the sister will tell her friend, who will tell her Grandmother, who will tell her whole Bingo Club, and the President of the Bingo Club will happen to be the Grandfather of Mark Zuckerberg (Yeah, the guy who created Facebook). Then Mark Zuckerberg will announce to the press that he bought my blog for $4 million, I will get to do exclusive celebrity interviews, get invited to all the hippest parties, and be able to hire people to write my blog for me because I will be too busy to blog. So instead, I will start vlogging and become the face of Zucaritas (Yes, that is Spanish frosted flakes). They will replace Tony the Tiger with me, then I'll get a book deal about my life, go on Celeb-reality, that will then lead to Celebrity Sober House, my career will sink, but then I will create a blog again, and OD after the first post.

Uggs are out, Luxe is in

As if Uggs weren't already cool enough, someone took the idea and made them cooler, not cooler like Christian Audiger Svararski crystals cooler (lame), but cooler like leather and attached knee high socks cooler. So the Australians know how to re-invent a popular trend very well as proven by the designers of the new Ugg boot, Australia Luxe Collective. If Kim Kardashian is wearing them then I'm in, among other celebrities who have also endorsed the shoe and snapped holding them next to their pretty little faces, Gwen Stefani, Megan Fox (barf), and Paris Hilton.
Of course they are a bit pricey, with most boots over $250, but really who is the judge on the cost of fashion. In the end, it pays to look good. You can find the boots at Bergdorf Goodman. So stop your earbashing, take off your grundies, get nuddy, grab a franger, put it in a freckle, give it a burl, nut out that old fella, then send me those bloody boots.

The biker boot. My personal favorite at $425. I would order a pair if my credit card wasn't maxed out. I wonder if you can put these on lay away?

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Mullet Land

I am currently living in Mendoza, Argentina. A small wine country bordering the Andes mountains, populated by guys with mullets, modestly dressed women, lots of wine, music, steak, napping, and children begging for money while your eating a meal. They have no problem interrupting your meal or even trying to steal your food. It is disheartening but none the less most of locals just ignore them and go about their business. Oh yeah, and people speak Spanish here, which sucks because I cant understand most of what they are saying. Oh yeah, and I forgot to say I moved here with my fiance Brent, he is pretty much the reason I am here.

Back to the mullets. They are everywhere. I think they caught onto the trend back in the 70s and just rolled with it. I don't think they are even trying to give the mullet a comeback like some LA hipster, they are just mullet people in a mullet land. And if you don't have a mullet then you have a rat tail, a snip of hair kept in the back of your head that is longer than the rest of your hair, usually in a braid, or dread locked or just straight. I saw one guy with a curly rat tail, but it reminded me more of a pig tail.

Also, there are stray dogs everywhere. They pretty much run the city and live in the gutters. They come out to look for food and somewhat like the child beggers, they also bug you while you eat. Well, they don't bug me really since I like dogs, but some people here are cruel and will just kick a dog to make it leave the outside eating area. I love the dogs here. They are so smart. They kind of remind me of "All Dogs Go To Heaven" like they have their own little community underground Mendoza, beneath the gutters where they hold poker night and kidnap little girls. They are so smart that they even know not to cross the street when a car is speeding by. Which reminds me: DRIVERS AND PEDESTRIANS BEWARE!
The Argentines drive like maniacs. I fear my life every time I get in a taxi or cross the street. There is no speed limit, no pedestrians right of way, not even divider lines between lanes because there are no lanes. They just do what they please. One time Brent and I were on our way to a club, and our taxi driver sped through every red light to get us there. That was pretty fun but we also had another taxi almost crash us into another car a few weeks after that proving fun is not always safe.

I am still trying to get used to living here. I miss my friends and family but I am sure there are exciting things to come here in Mendoza. I have already experienced some of it and cant wait for more. Since I have been here, I shaved part of my head, maybe next I will shave the whole thing, leaving only a curly rat tail and force Brent to grow a mullet.

A precious pup posing for my camera in the streets

"All Dogs Go To Heaven" based on the stray dogs and homeless
children of Mendoza

How do I begin?

Right now I'm listening to Dirty Projectors- Temecula Sunrise. They are a unique band, similar to Fever Ray in their oddly quirky but appealing sound. I discovered them a while ago on YouTube. A weird video with llamas on a mountain and girls wearing head scarf hoodie jumpers (you have to see it to know), singing and doing simple choreography. The song was Stillness is the Move. I loved it instantly and its still my favorite song by them. The band consists of 4 people- 3 girls and one guy. But the lead girl with the long dirty blonde hair has an incredible voice and very interesting looking.