Monday, December 28, 2009

Relationshit Advice

If you're looking for a short term relationship: Date an actor.
He will pretend to make you feel like you are the most important thing in the world and even tell you he loves you.
He will be romantic at all the right times (after-all- When Harry Met Sally is what got him wanting to be a thespian), buy you flowers, take you on semi-fancy dates, if he can afford it, maybe even splurge on a dinner somewhere trendy in Hollywood after he books a commercial. But eventually he will get caught up in the celeb life, start schmoozing at Chateau Marmont, and leave you behind after snagging a couple guest roles on CSI.
You just tell yourself, "it was fun while it lasted" and at least you got to meet Leighton Meester at a charity event he got you into.

If you're looking for a long term relationship: Date a guy with no job, with no direction in life, who sleeps on his moms couch.
He wont love you, nor will he pretend to.
He will stick around as long as you are willing to put up with him.
He may not even want to call you his girlfriend, but that's okay, just because he wont call you his girlfriend, doesn't mean you cant call him your boyfriend.
You will be proud of him, just because he exists and you don't want to be alone.
At least he makes you laugh, and you can always count on him for sex at least 3 times a day since he has nothing better to do.
Still, long term does not mean forever and four years down the road you will realize how much of your time you've wasted with this guy.
You'll finally acknowledge the fact that he will never commit, or say he loves you, and he'll never ask you to marry him. C'est la vie, it breaks your heart, but that's life.

If your looking for a relationship that makes you want to kill yourself: Just date this guy.

If your boyfriend is cheating on you: Drug his friend with roofies, drag said friend into the nearest room with a bed, set up a video camera, and tape the two of you having sex.
When Monday Night Football rolls around, tell your BF you have a surprise for him at halftime, then stick the sex-tape in the VCR (DVD, blu-ray, whatever works), and watch him squirm.
After he has sat through the entire thing, all 3 1/2 hours of it, slap him in the face, grab your pre-packed bags, walk out the door and never see him again.
That will teach him not to mess with you.

If your boyfriend has a history of aggression and he cheats on you: Don't do that last thing I just advised.
Instead, confront him calmly and tell him "It's okay that you cheated.
As long as you don't do it again, Baby."
When he starts to come towards you for a hug, have the knife ready and stab him in the balls.
You'll really blind-side him with that one, he wont be expecting it since you just made him think he was off the hook.


  1. I was going to copy/paste the entire actor portion of this but decided that was silly. My point is though that you are DEAD ON OMFG.

  2. omg ashley i love you

  3. L.O.V.E. this.

    And love me some gals who can tell it to me straight!